Kush Hayes' Disappointment of 1993
Kai and I go back and forth on all sorts of shit you would not believe. For example: now that Star Wars is out and clearly no longer a kids movie, we got on the subject of kids movies today and how gawdamn awful they are for the parents. Trolls, Gnomes and Ice Age, so many souls lost to the Ice Age franchise, so many dollars spent.
I got to thinking about how many movies I forced my mother to taking me to see, that I could not figure out how or why she would be fast asleep during a masterpiece such as National Lampoons Loaded Weapon 1.
1993 was a great year for movies, Cliffhanger, Mrs Doubtfire, The Fugitive, Jurassic Park, I enjoyed seeing all of these, but didn't give a shit leading up to them. Going into that year my attention was focused on the May release of Super Mario Bros The Movie. How was this going to translate onto the big screen?!
My anticipation grew with each day, and every article that Nintendo Power fed me the months leading up to this. Compared to today, you would ask yourself if they even had an advertising budget, but this was a summer mid-blockbuster.
How is this all going to work? Nintendo games are only two dimensional at this point in time;How do you translate that 2D world into a semi-realistic third dimension? Are they going to have actual level stages in this movie? Why do the Koopa Troopas look like that? Is this Peach or Daisy? If Daisy, why are they going with the Gameboy game? Is that why it looks so dark? Why are there cars? There aren’t any cars in any of the games! OK, they need Boots to jump, I dig that…
...The ramblings of a thirteen year old mind go on and on and throw in some boobs and on...
By time we get to the movie, I am like a steam kettle getting ready to whistle. The theater we are at is the Century Plaza 8 in South San Francisco and the house is full. I remember geeking out because they open the movie with the Super Mario jingle and even give 8-bit Mario a run through before we get to the story. Upon reflection, that is where I stopped enjoying the movie.
During that movie, my biology changed and I feel like I became more conscious, almost as if I had an awakening. Much like when Neo woke up from The Matrix, or when Stan on South Park started seeing crap for what it really was. Or maybe the movie was just that bad? I only recall having a similar feeling during Superman IV: The Quest for Peace - and what I didn’t do during Superman IV that I should have in 1987, I would now execute in 1993. I can not tell you what part of the movie it happened, but eventually I turned to my mom and apologized for what we we’re seeing.
I dont know if she appreciated that as this was already a movie she didn't want to see and the list of movies she suffered in 1993 already probably didn't help.